Terrified & Scared

Here we are a little over 2 months after our miscarriage and we just found out we are again expecting. The last time I took a HPT it was just a short 9 days later that we found out we really wouldn't be bringing a baby into the world. I can't quite explain the feelings and emotions I have right now all I know is that I don't want to be excited or have my hopes up. I want to live in a bubble until I'm past the first trimester. There is no telling that even after the first trimester things will be ok. Miscarriage and losing babies is devastating.  I'll admit that I still cry about it (as I did the night before I took this current test).  It gets easier but there are plenty of things that hit hard and cause me to tear up. There is a due date that will forever be engraved in my head, as well as a terrifying MC date that isn't easy to forget.  Having new dates and new things to look forward to will hopefully help put those dates behind me. 

So what do I do now? 4 weeks along (yes, I realize this is nothing) scared of what's to come, terrified of repeating our last try at having a baby.  What did I do wrong the first time? What should I do differently? When will I feel safe to let my news out?  So many questions and honestly I have no clue. I pray that this baby survives past 6 weeks, that this baby is carried to term. I pray that this baby is healthy and smart and looks like me ;) (we already have a miniature Jon, lol). I pray that I can get attached to this baby and excited and that I don't just shut them out because of what happened the last time. So many hopes and prayers leading into this second try. Every little stomach ache or pain is going to send me into instant panic. Every feeling of discomfort. Every touch or jolt of my belly will put me into fear.. Lord, please ease my mind and give me the strength (mentally and physically) to carry a healthy baby to term.  What a wonderful birthday present this will be....