Terrified & Scared

Here we are a little over 2 months after our miscarriage and we just found out we are again expecting. The last time I took a HPT it was just a short 9 days later that we found out we really wouldn't be bringing a baby into the world. I can't quite explain the feelings and emotions I have right now all I know is that I don't want to be excited or have my hopes up. I want to live in a bubble until I'm past the first trimester. There is no telling that even after the first trimester things will be ok. Miscarriage and losing babies is devastating.  I'll admit that I still cry about it (as I did the night before I took this current test).  It gets easier but there are plenty of things that hit hard and cause me to tear up. There is a due date that will forever be engraved in my head, as well as a terrifying MC date that isn't easy to forget.  Having new dates and new things to look forward to will hopefully help put those dates behind me. 

So what do I do now? 4 weeks along (yes, I realize this is nothing) scared of what's to come, terrified of repeating our last try at having a baby.  What did I do wrong the first time? What should I do differently? When will I feel safe to let my news out?  So many questions and honestly I have no clue. I pray that this baby survives past 6 weeks, that this baby is carried to term. I pray that this baby is healthy and smart and looks like me ;) (we already have a miniature Jon, lol). I pray that I can get attached to this baby and excited and that I don't just shut them out because of what happened the last time. So many hopes and prayers leading into this second try. Every little stomach ache or pain is going to send me into instant panic. Every feeling of discomfort. Every touch or jolt of my belly will put me into fear.. Lord, please ease my mind and give me the strength (mentally and physically) to carry a healthy baby to term.  What a wonderful birthday present this will be....

ZUMBA!!!

Ok, so I've been a licensed Zumba instructor since January of this year.  Have I done much with it? No.  I have done a few events at school mainly half an hour worth of Zumba for both faculty and the 5th graders.  I really need to get my butt in gear and learn some new songs and choreography.

Since I am starting to feel better I decided to start working out again and what better way to start then heading to my girl Michele's class right up the street from me - you can't beat a 3 minute drive and there have been times I've jogged there and home.. but not tonight!  Anyway, I absolutely love her class and she is the main reason I decided to get my license.  So much energy, a ton of fun and a great workout hooked me.  I used to go to Zumba at the Y like 4-5 times a week.  This is of course before I got married and fell into the "married life" of sitting at home watching soap operas, lol.   I forgot how much I enjoyed spending an hour dancing and giggling with my girls!  Of course my girls are no longer members at the Y so I would have to find a new group or just rock out solo :(

I took my Zumba course with Stephanie (she's AMAZING too!) back in January in Media and loved every minute of it.  I also have my Zumba Core certification but again haven't done much with it yet.  That might be my goal for next year - start teaching Zumba classes whether it is at the Y or at a church or venue for like $5 a class.  Now is the time!

I need to be held accountable and lose the weight I have put back on since the wedding.  This also means I can't come home after a workout and snack.  My goal is to get to the gym 5 times this week. I shouldn't have an excuse on Wednesday or Friday since I will already be there to coach and can go before or after!  Let's see if I can reach this goal.  Day 1 of 5 - CHECK! :)

Catching up

So, I haven't blogged for a little and that is in part to being busy and not feeling well. It's the end of the first trimester and all of my teacher friends know how that is with grades being due. I have also developed my first cold of the school year.  I have already missed 11.5 school days this year with wedding and all of my stomach issues and I believe we have only had 50 days so far!  Taking off and writing sub plans seriously sucks. That is one thing I miss about working in corporate world - the ability to call out and just set your voicemail or email to "out of office". 

We hosted Jon's friends last night to celebrate his 37th birthday as well as Rick's. It was our first time aside from the rehersal dinner that his friends have been over.  It was a good night everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.  I always host girls nights with my softball crew so it was good to see Jon with his guys for once. We really have some awesome friends. :)  

I really need to get back to working out. It's always that first step of getting to the gym that causes me so many issues. Once I'm there and in the classes (body pump/Zumba) I'm typically good to go.  I have a schedule worked out so let's see if I can put it in motion and get my butt in gear. 

I still am having my moments especially when shows I watch on tv bring it up or better yet when my OB calls to remind me to get an ultrasound. Ugh.. It is what it is and overall I'm OK. I am slowly getting better and I'm working through the things that are bothering me. I'm sure I will never get over it completely but I will be able to move on. 

I am looking forward to a few days off for Thanksgiving and spending time at home getting things done. I really want to be able to get some rooms painted before the new year and can not wait to finish our basement (thanks to all who contributed to our basement fund through your wedding gifts). The plan is to start and work through Xmas break to complete it. I'm excited (and I'm sure Jon is too!)

A vicious cycle

So, here I am 16 days post miscarriage. I have resumed normal activity and have been managing. I am able to talk about what happened and I am OK... or so I thought.

I have done nothing lately but eat as if I were pregnant and "feeding two". I'm gaining weight and my face is breaking out.  I am miserable deep down and not sure what I can really do about it.  I'm miserable because I'm gaining weight, I eat because I'm miserable.. It's just one vicious cycle... 

I go to work and put on a happy face - I mean that's my job right? A stage performer in front of an audience. I can't let my kids see how I'm really feeling.  I come home from work and I'm moody and annoyed at life. I just want to lay on the couch or go to sleep. I have no desire to go to the gym or work out even though I know that's what I need to do.  I eat and eat some more until I feel better. Why does this have to be so tough?  How long am I going to have to feel like this? It doesn't help that it's now daylight savings and it's dark longer and colder. I'm not a fan of winter unless we get delayed starts or early dismissals. One plus is that bulky sweaters can hide all the weight I gained...

I want to get away... Jon and I opted not to take a honeymoon since we really can't afford to spend a couple grand for a vacation and by the time I could even go it wouldn't feel like a honeymoon. All that really mattered to us was that we were married we dont really need a vacation although it would be nice.  Of course if we did plan a trip for spring break or summer it's possible I could be pregnant and not able to take advantage of the "all-inclusive" aspect of the trip. But at this point I feel I need to get away. I need to escape for a while and be somewhere that puts me at ease and let's me relax. I wish we could just hit the lottery!  I mean I'm already working 3 jobs..

I know that this gets easier and things will work out. I just hope all of that comes sooner rather then later..

Challenge

I am all for this 30 days of thankfulness that everyone likes to participate in on FB except for the fact that we should be thankful 365 days a year not just in November because of Thanksgiving.  That's the real challenge.  90% of the people who are doing this 30 days of thankful will probably not even do all 30 days - mainly because life gets in the way and we don't get a chance to post every day.  Totally understandable as many of us have multiple jobs or multiple kids and so many things going on in our life.  That's just part of society today - non stop, constantly on the go seems to be the motto for most.

So my challenge to all of my blog readers (all 2 of you) is to write down, blog, FB post or whatever for the next 365 days all of the things you are thankful for.  No cheating and saying you are thankful you wake up each morning.  Dig deep and really think about the things in your life you are thankful for.  Those things that you wouldn't want to do with out or give up.  What are those things for you?  Feel free to leave yours in my comments as I will try to do the same :)  

And so we wait...

I got my HGC levels back - I am making steps in the right direction.  My levels were at 2700 the day I went in and found out I was having a miscarriage to 126 just 6 days after.  All of the physical symptoms of my miscarriage disappeared at the week mark which is definitely nice since I have heard that some women experience symptoms for a week and a half to three weeks.  I am thankful that I managed with just 6 days.  I will, however, need to be retested until my levels are back in the negatives.   I am hoping that when I go this week my levels are back where they belong.  

What really sucks is that we were told we shouldn't start trying again until after 2 normal cycles.   Lord only knows if I will have 2 normal cycles any time soon.  Prior to conceiving I was on BC that did not always give me a period - so honestly I have no idea when my last one was (I think it was in early August).  Part of the reason I think this pregnancy didn't work is because my cycle wasn't normal and I wasn't having a period every month.

So we wait. 2 normal cycles - if I am lucky enough to go back to being normal we could probably start after the new year figuring November and December would be my 2 cycles.  Personally, I'd like to try now but I know that's probably not in my best interest.  This is the most frustrating thing I have had to deal with lately.  Not only am I dealing with the fact that I have to wait to even try but it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or announcing their pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong I am extremely excited for my friends who are expecting but it's tough to know that I could have been sharing my news as well.  Our time will come and I know it can't be planned.  Having a child in the spring/summer has it's perks just as much as having one in the fall/winter.   Do I want to play softball or do I want to have more time off with my child? Do I want to add another birthday to the fall?  It will happen when it happens and regardless I will be excited and embrace the experience with all I've got.

Update

So it has officially been a week. I can't say it was an easy one but I can say it was a week full of love and support. I have definitely had my moments. Working with kids keeps me pretty occupied but those curious little minds always throw those hard to answer questions at you. "So, Mrs. Hainsey, now that you are married are you going to have kids??"  It's also hard to work with children and not think of the kids I want or the child I could have had.

I had my hgc levels rechecked Tuesday morning so hopefully my number has decreased and I won't need to go for any procedures or require medication to help the process along.  

I know for a fact people have noticed I've been down and I have been asked by many how I am feeling - most of which have no idea what I just went through but knew of my stomach issues prior.  It's tough but it's definitely getting easier. The physical pain is gone and emotionally I am noticing my excitement to teach come back.  

I also have noticed that I am more exhausted then usual. I fall asleep earlier and don't want to get out of bed when my alarm goes off and when I get home I'm ready to crash on the couch. I could probaby crash during my lunch break too if I had enough time! My body has been through quite a lot so I'm really not surprised but man I can't wait to get some energy back. 

On the mend

First full day of activity and I managed fairly well.  However, I am definitely feeling it.

Jon and I signed up to put a team in for our friends Breast Cancer Tourney over a month ago.  I absolutely LOVE tournament ball.  Given my situation I figured I would sit this tournament out..  I did bring my stuff with me just incase I felt up to playing but was pretty sure I'd just keep book all day since we had enough girls.  After about 2 games I was itching to play.  So, in a game where we were up by 15 and only needed 5 to enforce the run rule I decided I wanted to get a swing in.  By the time I got up to bat we only needed one more run to end the game.  I hadn't thrown or warmed up at all nor did I even have my cleats on but I managed to rock one into the outfield for a double!  My hubby ended up driving me in with a hit to end the game.  So, my first attempt at playing was a successful one.  After that game we had a pretty long break so I decided to put my cleats on and thought about playing an inning or two in the field.  I played a whole game rotating in the field at 1st base and had a few at bats.  I was feeling pretty good - mentally this was good for me as I haven't done much since Wednesday.  I haven't worked and haven't moved around too much but I felt great.  At this point I know physically I am capable of heading back to work.  

By the time I got home my body definitely ached.  I almost felt like I had the flu.  I know that pregnancy can take a lot of out you and I'm sure that goes the same for getting your body back to normal after the loss.  I guess I will take the physical side effects of today as playing was good for me mentally and lets me know that I am ready to be out in the world again doing what I do. Softball = therapy :)

We finished the tournament 4th of out 15 teams and had an absolute blast. It was a great day with great people.  Deb ran a wonderful tournament and I am glad I was able to be part and help her in her fundraising efforts.  

I finished off my day with my R&D girls laughing and carrying on in our normal fashion. We even popped in the wedding video for some extra giggles. I love these girls, my softball family.  I am so grateful for such awesome teammates.  I am even more grateful for the guac, chips & salsa, cannoli dip and enchiladas that were left for me after the evening!  My belly will definitely be happy for the next few days!

Timing is Everything

So by now you know that we are pregnant and on Thursday, October 17 my OB confirmed what my home tests (yes, I took 2 more) already told me.  What a crazy first month of marriage.  Seems I am 6 weeks along which would make me due sometime in June.  Hmmm, so much for playing ball this spring, our honeymoon and enjoying a summer of not working... but ya know what WE ARE HAVING A BABY or so we thought... 

We know that you shouldn't tell people you are pregnant until after the first trimester since the risk of miscarriage is highest during that time.  I'm young and healthy though so we didn't see the harm in telling our parents or Hayden (or two of my best friends).  We had both sets of parents over on Saturday to help celebrate Hayden's 13th birthday and before dinner we decided to share the news with them.  I had printed out a poem that they both read.  My mom of course cried as soon as my dad started reading it and his mom just got a huge smile on her face.  I knew they would all be as excited as we were to hear this news.  Clearly, we don't waste any time :)  I mean engaged after 5 months, married 6 months later... why wait to have kids!  Little did I know what was in store for us in the days to come.

Tuesday night I had a meeting for my Thirty-One business and was feeling a little uncomfortable at the meeting.  Just some slight cramping nothing too bad.  That evening when I got home I started spotting and the cramps got worse. OK, no problem, this is common during the first trimester just a sign of pregnancy and my body adjusting to the tiny life growing inside of me.  By the time I was ready for bed the cramps were pretty intense, I knew this couldn't be a good sign.  We debated on going to the ER but I toughed it out and tried to just sleep through it - which worked.

The next morning the spotting was quite a bit more then what it should have been and at that point I knew what was happening.  As soon as I could I called my OB and scheduled an appointment to be seen.  Jon met me in WC at the office - we both knew this appointment wouldn't be a good one.  The doctor came in and examined me.  When she was finished she said that with the amount of blood it didn't seem like it was a viable pregnancy but she wanted me to get blood work done to check my HCG levels as she was hoping she was wrong.  I knew she wasn't. I totally lost it in the exam room the little life inside of me wasn't going to make it and I had no one to blame but myself.  I know it's nothing I did but it's inside of my body who else can I blame?  We went and got my blood work done and headed home where I tried to sort out my emotions and feelings and manage the cramping.

Around 2pm Wednesday, October 23rd we experienced the misfortune of miscarrying a child.  

I've been a mess of emotions.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to work at least not for a few days.  I've been upset, mad, angry, in pain, you name it.  Why this, why us?!  What did we do to deserve this?  I'm healthy and young - this just isn't fair.  I can't even describe everything that has been going through my head.  I am beyond thankful that I have Jon here to comfort me and remind me that none of this is my fault.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy - no one should ever have to go through this.  It's cruel.  A small piece of my husband and I is gone.

I am amazed at how many people I am friends with who have been through this and were able to give me advice and comfort.  I am healing that's for sure but I know it will take some time to completely recover if that is even possible.  I know for a fact that the next time I am pregnant all of these memories will come back.  I know that I am going to be afraid of re-living this again.  It's always going to be in the back of my mind.  I am always going to wonder about this child that never came to be.  Would it have been a boy or a girl? A doctor or a lawyer? Athlete or...  Who am I kidding that kid would have been an all-star!  I wish a million times over that this didn't happen. 

 I appreciate the outpouring of support and love that has been sent to Jon and I.  It has been a difficult time for both of us and although I am healing there are moments I am sad and cry but my spirits are still high and I know that I will get through this.  

SURPRISE!!!

So, we finally have a day off of from school - woohoo!! Of course I scheduled an appointment to see the GI just to see what they would suggest.  Thankfully he doesn't want to have me re-do the upper endoscopy or the colonoscopy (thank God!)  but he did request that I re-do all of my blood work to see if anything comes back abnormally.  The last time I did blood work it did come back with one of the markers for Celiac and showed that there was inflammation somewhere.

During the appointment the doctor (like my PCP) felt around on my abdomen and of course I would say that certain areas were sensitive to the touch.  He asked me if I had scheduled an appointment with my OB.  Are you serious?! What is this a joke, clearly my friends alerted him to me coming in and he just wants to annoy me like they do.  I informed him that I had taken pregnancy tests and they were negative.  My thoughts then turned to having cysts on my ovaries or something along those lines.  That could totally be causing my discomfort right? Ugh, more tests!!!  I was also asked to get another ultrasound on my gall bladder this time he wanted to have the die injected instead of just a regular scan.  I guess we will see what comes of those tests.

Jon and I had a playoff game tonight in West Chester.  I am so ready to be done with fall softball - I think I get this way every fall season.  So excited to play at the beginning and as time goes on I just get sick of it.  A lot has to do with the fact that WC only plays single games and I feel that it's a waste of a drive for one game.  I think Jon and I have both decided to take next fall off from playing and just enjoy the time.

Something about today and my appointment made me think about using the last of my 3 pack of pregnancy tests.  I guess I just wanted to prove my GI doctor wrong, haha.  So before hopping in the shower tonight I decided to take the test.  Little did I know that this test would be different then the last 2 I took and that it'd have an extra line on the results.  Holy crap - this can't be right, can it?  Yup, positive. OMG.  I was shocked to say the least.  I couldn't believe it - how could I have taken 2 tests prior to this that were negative and this one come back positive.  Something wasn't right there was definitely a problem.   After calling Jon into the bathroom and showing him our "problem" we both stood there staring at each other thinking "WTF?!"  I decided to get in the shower where I stood just staring with my hands on my head for a good 5 minutes.  This is nuts.  I looked out into the bathroom and my husband is still standing there just like I left him staring at the test.  Wow.  We were seriously pregnant and expecting our first child.  I stopped taking the pill 2 weeks before our wedding which would mean that I probably ovulated right around the wedding.  This baby had to be conceived on our wedding night - talk about a wedding present to ourselves.

After the shock wore off the excitement quickly built.  I of course immediately wanted to tell everyone but knew I should probably get it confirmed with my OB first. I scheduled an appointment for Thursday.   Hopefully I can hide my excitement until then!

Tummy Trouble

Three years ago I experienced a lot of stomach/digestive issues.  It was a really tough time and I wasn't able to get any answers despite the tests I went through.  Almost 3 years to the day the symptoms returned.  In August I started experiencing the same types of issues except this time there was a little more to it.  My stomach was constantly in knots, anytime I got ready to go somewhere I'd feel really sick to my stomach.  My social life became almost non-existent. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything with the fear that I would need to run to a bathroom or that I'd get sick somewhere.  To be honest, I think most of my problems were just nerves and anxiety from planning a wedding in 6 months and the start of the school year approaching.  

Don't get me wrong I love what I teach and I love educating children but I question whether or not I really want to continue teaching.  These feelings all started last year - teaching is losing it's fun and my teaching environment isn't the best for my students and I struggle every day trying to find ways to make it better.  It's draining and challenging.  Of course I knew teaching was challenging going into the profession, all the other things just make it worse.

Anyway, so my stomach has been an absolute mess since school started and even more so after the wedding.  All my friends of course want to blame it on me being pregnant now that I'm married.  Talk about annoying.  I actually bought pregnancy tests just so I could take one and prove to them that I am in fact not pregnant.  Jon and I have talked about it and children will be in our future but we want to honeymoon first and enjoy a week to celebrate our new life together.  We are looking into either my Spring Break or possibly the summer.  I honestly can not wait to add to our family.  Don't get me wrong I absolutely love Hayden but I can't wait to have one of my own.

I've been put on a bunch of different medications to try to figure out what the actual cause is.  So I have gone from being on no medication to taking probiotics, nexium and lexapro.  Something has to help, right?  My next step is back to the GI doctor which I would prefer not to do because I would really like to not repeat either test that I took 3 years ago.  I guess we will see where these medications take me.   

Wedding Bliss

Today, I married my best friend and soul mate.  It was an absolutely beautiful day with some of my most favorite people. My aunt made the trip over from Ohio, my grandfather came up from Kansas and my cousin and her husband from Florida.  It really meant the world to us to have our family and friends share in our special day.  We appreciate everyone who traveled near and far to be there with us.

My day started off bright and early at Jillian Grace Salon where my girls and I got our hair and make up done. My neighbor Steph is a stylist at the salon and I absolutely love it there!   Here are some pictures from the salon:

After leaving the salon we came back to my house where we enjoyed a bite to eat and the girls got dressed for the event.  Meanwhile, the boys were at the hotel getting all spiffed up.  Don't they look sharp?

We made our way to the Red Clay Room around 3 to start getting ready.  The girls helped me get into my gown (there was a ton of work for them lacing me up!).  Boy were my nerves getting the best of me by this point.  I was a big ball of excitement and couldn't wait to get the show on the road!

Finally, it was time!  My amazing father walked me down the aisle to my handsome groom.  It was absolutely awesome to walk down the aisle surrounded by so much love and support.  I couldn't have asked for anything more.  The weather was calling for rain in the afternoon but thankfully it held out for us until we made our way into the reception.

It was finally time to say "I do" and exchange rings!

Finally we were announced as husband and wife - time to get the party started!

Here is a picture of our family with our parents - we are one awesome looking group.

The reception was probably my favorite part of the day.  Nothing like spending the evening dancing with my girls and having the time of my life.  I'm so ready to do it again. 

Thank you to everyone who made our day so special.  Everytime I look at these pictures I can't help but smile.  What a magical evening.  I couldn't be happier and more in love.