So by now you know that we are pregnant and on Thursday, October 17 my OB confirmed what my home tests (yes, I took 2 more) already told me. What a crazy first month of marriage. Seems I am 6 weeks along which would make me due sometime in June. Hmmm, so much for playing ball this spring, our honeymoon and enjoying a summer of not working... but ya know what WE ARE HAVING A BABY or so we thought...
We know that you shouldn't tell people you are pregnant until after the first trimester since the risk of miscarriage is highest during that time. I'm young and healthy though so we didn't see the harm in telling our parents or Hayden (or two of my best friends). We had both sets of parents over on Saturday to help celebrate Hayden's 13th birthday and before dinner we decided to share the news with them. I had printed out a poem that they both read. My mom of course cried as soon as my dad started reading it and his mom just got a huge smile on her face. I knew they would all be as excited as we were to hear this news. Clearly, we don't waste any time :) I mean engaged after 5 months, married 6 months later... why wait to have kids! Little did I know what was in store for us in the days to come.
Tuesday night I had a meeting for my Thirty-One business and was feeling a little uncomfortable at the meeting. Just some slight cramping nothing too bad. That evening when I got home I started spotting and the cramps got worse. OK, no problem, this is common during the first trimester just a sign of pregnancy and my body adjusting to the tiny life growing inside of me. By the time I was ready for bed the cramps were pretty intense, I knew this couldn't be a good sign. We debated on going to the ER but I toughed it out and tried to just sleep through it - which worked.
The next morning the spotting was quite a bit more then what it should have been and at that point I knew what was happening. As soon as I could I called my OB and scheduled an appointment to be seen. Jon met me in WC at the office - we both knew this appointment wouldn't be a good one. The doctor came in and examined me. When she was finished she said that with the amount of blood it didn't seem like it was a viable pregnancy but she wanted me to get blood work done to check my HCG levels as she was hoping she was wrong. I knew she wasn't. I totally lost it in the exam room the little life inside of me wasn't going to make it and I had no one to blame but myself. I know it's nothing I did but it's inside of my body who else can I blame? We went and got my blood work done and headed home where I tried to sort out my emotions and feelings and manage the cramping.
Around 2pm Wednesday, October 23rd we experienced the misfortune of miscarrying a child.
I've been a mess of emotions. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to work at least not for a few days. I've been upset, mad, angry, in pain, you name it. Why this, why us?! What did we do to deserve this? I'm healthy and young - this just isn't fair. I can't even describe everything that has been going through my head. I am beyond thankful that I have Jon here to comfort me and remind me that none of this is my fault. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy - no one should ever have to go through this. It's cruel. A small piece of my husband and I is gone.
I am amazed at how many people I am friends with who have been through this and were able to give me advice and comfort. I am healing that's for sure but I know it will take some time to completely recover if that is even possible. I know for a fact that the next time I am pregnant all of these memories will come back. I know that I am going to be afraid of re-living this again. It's always going to be in the back of my mind. I am always going to wonder about this child that never came to be. Would it have been a boy or a girl? A doctor or a lawyer? Athlete or... Who am I kidding that kid would have been an all-star! I wish a million times over that this didn't happen.
I appreciate the outpouring of support and love that has been sent to Jon and I. It has been a difficult time for both of us and although I am healing there are moments I am sad and cry but my spirits are still high and I know that I will get through this.
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